Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Mere observations

I have the time these days for things I don't typically do. Reading magazines, for instance. And, thanks to my recent perusal of Time Out New York, I've discovered that my husband is a male diva. Don't worry... I'll explain.

According to Time Out, a male diva, or "divo," is best described as an "impatient, demanding, entitled he-beast." These are men who take themselves extremely seriously, men who actually manage to make narcissism and competitiveness look good, even kinda hot. Not only did the magazine give examples of famous people through history who fit the bill (if you want the list, go find it), but it also provided a list of "divo rules" which all divos live by. I read through them, sighing and shaking my head at each one... there, too, goes my John. Here... you'll see what I mean:

1. The divo has an entourage. John not only has an entourage... he has acolytes. No matter where he goes, he accumulates followers. He also gathers folks who don't so much idolize him as want to be around him because he makes them laugh like hell and makes for really snazzy conversation. Those end up as followers, too, though... eventually.

2. The divo never sits down on the subway. This one has yet to be seen, since he hasn't moved here yet. Still, I wouldn't doubt that this ends up being the case. Why, after all, would he want to mess up all the new clothes?

3. The divo has perfect hair. Dear gods, don't get me started on his hair. Yes, it's long and in a pony tail, but I've said it for years... they use the back of his swishing-hair head for Pantene commercials. Most importantly, he loves his hair and its appearance more than just about anything in the whole wide everything.

4. The divo "trims the hedges". Yeah, um... just take my word for it on this one.

5. The divo stays in shape. Lately, it's become a bit of an obsession of his.

6. The divo is impeccably dressed. Yeah, this actually includes John these days. He's been a bit of a clotheshorse since his fitness kick has proven so fruitful. And who could blame him?

7. The divo doesn't merely eat, he dines. Okay... he sort of falls under this category by default. He's a finicky eater, so he sort of has to favor the nicer, better-cooked foods. Still, it counts.

8. The divo doesn't take one for the team. This one goes without saying. John will be the first to tell anyone that he won't put himself out for anyone unless he's the anyone. He'll help a friend, of course, and help him quite a lot, to the point of indispensibility, but I wouldn't go so far as to say he'll make significant sacrifices... thing is, he has logical reasoning for this. As far as he's concerned, the people closest to him are self-sufficient badasses like him, so they shouldn't really need him to go any kind of extra mile on their behalf. Besides, it's every man for himself, and he's as good an everyman as any.

9. The divo doesn't do shots. Again, by default. the man doesn't drink. At all. Go figure.

10. The divo enjoys cocktails. Sort of. John actually really enjoys being around cocktails, and around people enjoying cocktails on his behalf. That counts, I think.

11. The divo weekends and summers out of town. Typically, no, but only because of financial constraints and scheduling issues with work. Whenever possible, John fits this category just fine. This, of course, is in light of next week's John-centered trip to the Florida beach house. So there you go.

Apparently, this is the make-up of a divo: 30% self-importance, 10% insecurity, 10% envy, 10% brushed cotton, and 40% narcissism. Some might argue that this pertains to most all western men, but I disagree. A divo wears this all on his well-groomed shoulder, unabashedly and unyieldingly flashing its splendiferous grandeur to the lesser-than-him world of stylistically bland and socially flailing underlings. He's fully aware of his pompocity, but he also believes in it fully, and believes in himself just as much. Sounds scary, no?

Actually, it's rather fun to watch.

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